I don't think there is a woman who reaches her 39th week of pregnancy and starts to mourn the idea her 9 months are almost over. Me personally, I've been ready to end this for 5+ weeks. To me, the idea that I can count to my due date on one hand (and after today have spare fingers to pick my nose), is horrific.
So what's a girl to do?
Hit the internet.
Old wive's tales are all over the internet. I've peaked at them, and seen them listed in my books, but I've never had the slightest interest in any of them. Until now. Because short of a crow bar and a plunger, I see no way to end this stalemate. Now suddenly, some of these ideas don't seem so stupid. They seem hopeful! They cry out from the screen as a flashing neon sign to freedom! So I've been trying a few this week. Obviously since I'm still pregnant (STILL PREGNANT), none of them have worked. I didn't even dilate more. Picture my face at the doctor's office when I proudly rattled off all the stuff I've been doing for the last week, so I'm SURE I'm more dilated, just to have her inform me that unfortunately, no I'm not, and that doesn't work in all cases.
So here is a fun (FUN... sarcasm) list of things I've tried, or for now ruled out, for you to laugh at what my last week has looked like.
1. Football Game
This is mixing a lot of elements. An important event (to look forward to, to fear missing, etc). Missouri played Oklahoma this past Saturday. I've gone to all the MU home games, however, it's gotten progressively harder. I love it so much, I can't not go. So I packed up my black and gold and got my butt to Memorial Stadium, imagining all the while I'd have my water break or start contractions, and I'd never even head home after this. Turns out all that walking, screaming, jumping, cursing, cheering, and standing and sitting abruptly did nothing. This is where I started to doubt that walking helped with contractions. Because if I could walk that distance and climb that many stairs (and run/speed walk to a very sexy port-i-potty right in front of my dad and husband like I didn't even CARE that it was a port-i-potty), and I didn't have one contraction, I should have known something was up.
So. Important events? High stress? No baby.
2. Walking in General
We've been taking walks every night. I even walked around the mall between doctor appointments yesterday in Columbia, when the doctor promised (PROMISED) I'd have contractions because of my exam and who knows (quote) it might just jump start something for me (*expletive(s) deleted*). Between the walking from Saturday, then the walking all week, I should be so dilated the baby falls out. I guess it's good exercise. And it's been fun to go on such lovely walks with my husband (we don't take the dogs, just in case something awesome happens, because I'm not walking them back between contractions).
But walking? I think it helps when you're close to labor. For me? Big zero.
3. Spicy Food
I've never been adverse to spicy food. However, I've never had heartburn like I've had in pregnancy, which has made me question the use, purpose, and idea of spices on any food ever again. I can't eat strawberry jelly, people. I've gone through an industrial size container of Tums. So at this point in pregnancy I've basically been avoiding the terribly spicy, just to save the heartburn sure to follow. Throwing caution to the wind, however, my husband made mildly (mildy my ass) spicy hamburgers for dinner this week. Lots of spices. I will say that my fears about heartburn were confirmed when nearly 24 hours later I still felt like I was burping fire, but no baby. I'm not completely done with this torture (yes, you heard me, I'm going back for more), as tomorrow, barring a baby tonight, we are going to Bangkok Gardens for lunch. I haven't had that food in a long time, for good reason. I'm excited because I love it. I'm more excited because maybe that'll smoke the baby out. I wonder if Tums stumps that process... because I'm bringing it with me.
Spicy food? Going back for more, but I'm pretty sure it's just because I'm hungry.
4. Sex
You heard me. How a whale can even imagine having sex, I don't know. I now am not so surprised that scientists and marine biologists and whatnot cannot catch certain species of whales mating. There can't be one graceful, pleasant thing about it. And I was right. And it didn't work.
Sex? Ahahhahahahahaa... might get the baby in there, but sure doesn't get the baby out.
5. Castor Oil
I didn't try this. Not that I've ruled it out. I'm getting desperate. But they warn on the internets that castor oil can cause just plain upset tummy (and the baby doesn't move, and you don't move from the toilet).
Still, it would give me something to do to pass the time.
6. Nipple Stimulation
Sounds easy enough, until you read into the nitty gritty and find out it's for 3 hours a day over a 2 week period. Who has that kind of TIME?? I did (shamefully) try this alternative thing I've only found in print once about heating up a towel and putting it on your breasts to help produce oxytocin or whatever. I used a blow dryer and a blanket. It was warm, which was nice. For all the terrible things I've tried, this was by far the easiest. However, just like all the other things I've tried, it didn't work. I've also tried taking scorching hot showers. I didn't specifically read about this helping, but hey, it's been cold in the morning.
So... basically that's where I sit for now. Still pregnant. Not nearly so hopeful as when I'd started the week. I know babies have to come out. But I really thought one of these things would work. Especially when you hear real women swear by one of them. I think every woman is different, and I think a lot of times these work when you're really close to push you over the edge (me, I'm not even in walking distance of the edge, despite all the walking from this week).
So. There you go.
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