The Not So Womanly Art: A Painfully Sad Decision is Made

So.
When I first thought about raising baby Claire I knew I wanted to breast feed. I did all the research. I couldn't argue with the facts that a baby exclusively breast fed for the first 6 months (or preferably year) was a healthy, happy baby. I knew I'd have challenges because I've had a breast reduction (nearly 10 years ago), but I really wanted this to work out.
I read The Womanly Art of Breast Feeding, and was even inspired by the story of a woman who only could produce a teaspoon of milk a day--but she still did it religiously just to give it to her baby. I thought if that woman could make so little, but then still keep with it, certainly I could do more.
Well. I was wrong.
Over a week ago we were started on a feeding schedule of every 3 hours. I would feed for about 30 minutes each time. I kept it up for a week--no formula--thinking it must be working because there was pee in a diaper or poo in a diaper--count it.
Then we found out yesterday that in fact it hadn't been working and Claire dropped in weight. Again. So in effect she might have been getting a little, but in reality I'd basically starved her for a week.
So yesterday the doctor and a lactation consultant coached me to start feeding every two hours, plus supplementing with formula, basically around the clock. So between last night and today's hour long meeting with the LC, my schedule became every 2 hours, 10 feedings a day--10 minutes on each breast plus 15 minutes pumping plus feeding her 2 ounces of formula (or the difference of formula to expressed milk to equal 2 ounces). I understand that feeding a baby is daunting and time consuming anyway, but that routine takes nearly an hour, which gives me an hour off in between feedings.
Unfortunately, however, my milk supply is only diving. Today so far through pumping I've produced less than 2 ounces (and by the end of the day, we'll have fed the baby 20+ ounces of formula, plus those 2 ounces). Each time I pump (every 2 hours) I get less and less milk. Claire also sucks at sucking. She doesn't suck hard enough or long enough and just falls asleep. I'm a pacifier. Perhaps it's nipple confusion (thanks Boone Hospital), perhaps it's just her style, but we can't fix her sucking ability--there isn't anything actually wrong with her to fix. But we can figure, just feeding 10 minutes off of each side, even though that should be more efficient than pumping, she's maybe only getting 1/4 of an ounce during her actual breast feeding (and that's a big maybe).
So all day today I've just gotten less and less milk through pumping. I've had pain in my breasts through all of this--the 3 hour feedings weren't much better, but I felt like I'd gotten over that hurdle of pain with the nipple soreness. However, now my breasts just burn. I feel like an overheated, dry engine. My whole chest feels basically on fire. No infection. No clogged duct. I'm just sucking everything I can out and there isn't much there to suck. I imagine I could get more milk out of a squirrel (or Matt--Matt has nipples, can I milk him?... It's from a movie, people).
So.
Looking at this daunting feeding schedule that basically is literally sucking my life away, I've come to a crossroads. With my schedule I only now see Claire when I'm feeding her. On my off hour I can do such luxurious things as go to the bathroom, get a snack, clean the pump, get a drink, and change the channel on the television (or try to take a quick nap). Then I start everything over again. I realize that I'd still be feeding often just using the bottle, but at least it wouldn't take an hour and it wouldn't hurt and I wouldn't sit there crying for an hour because it sucked or crying through the next hour because the next feeding was looming and it hurt too bad to imagine starting up again. I can't even get out of the house. Where can I go in an hour? And I certainly can't do this on the road--there wouldn't be much of a point.
I realized after talking to my mom and Matt that I'm not enjoying this. And it's not like I'm talking a few ounces to increase my supply--I'm talking from going from 1 ounce to 20 ounces. Not really possible. I can see where perhaps this would be worth it if I was trying to increase one or two ounces... but I realize in the short run, I might bump up another ounce, but I can't keep at this pace (and when I return to work, I certainly can't pump every two hours, so what would happen then?)
So with a frowny face and lots of tears, tonight I decided to hang up the pump and call it quits. I won't say I don't feel like a terrible mom. I still kind of do. But I know realistically no amount of trying is going to fix this problem, and with my current schedule I'm a terrible mom anyway because it's not like any of this time is quality. It's work. And I resent the baby and myself because I feel trapped and well, in quite a bit of pain.
There are plenty of women who, for whatever reason, make the decision not to breastfeed. Even those who are perfectly capable of breast feeding. I won't lie, I harbor a bit of anger towards them now... probably mostly because they had a choice of what they wanted to do. I don't have a choice, and formula isn't what I wanted at all. I just have to come to terms with the fact that in the end I still have a happy, healthy baby with formula or breast milk. And she wouldn't ever get enough breast milk to be self sustaining. And now I have freedom--I can go places! I can feed a bottle at Barnes and Noble sipping on coffee or go to St. Louis (which I'd originally wanted to do this week for some early (and less populated) Christmas shopping). I don't have to be chained to the outlet and the pump.
I'm not 100% happy with the decision--we made quite an investment in this and I put a lot of pressure on myself to provide something I thought was so vitally important. I feel bad just getting fed up and throwing in the towel. But I don't see anything changing in a week--except Claire, and how many of those changes am I going to miss because I was busy pumping and feeding for an hour at a time.
So that's my story. That's my decision. I feel conflicted. I feel a bit ashamed. I feel a lot hurt that we never got the support to help us from the get-go--support that would have perhaps helped me ease into this mindset, instead of me just giving up like this (and feeling strangely like there was still a glimmer of hope, if I could just pump one more time, maybe that'll be the time I'll just start pouring out milk).
But I'm excited to hang out more with the baby. And do more with the baby. And in the end, she won't remember any of this at all, but I'd rather have memories of good times.

Baby Photo Shoot

We only have the teasers right now, but we can't say enough for Heather Lynn Photography. We began researching photographers this summer and Heather had really affordable packages (I just can't see spending upwards of $1000 on baby pictures for a year--they're nice to have, but I'm sure that money could be put toward something that the baby actually needs). With her prices, we could afford to have several more photo shoots!
We spoke with her while still in the hospital and set up for 6 days out of womb. She arrived on time and brought lots of goodies--but she also called ahead of time to see what we had to use as well--That's service! I was glad to offer up some blankets and hats (all hand made).
Behind the scenes:
You can't tell exactly what's happening, but we actually asked Heather to pose Claire with our high school yearbooks and some Jays items. Since we both went to high school together and were friends for most of that time (which is how we're here together now) we thought it was special. It also is nice because I work for that school district, and it's the school district she will attend barring any unplanned changes in the next few years.

Heather was really good at listening to our suggestions to help make our pictures more personal. I've dealt with photographers before who would have poo-pooed this idea and just did the "standard" shots--so my baby would have looked like everyone else's! However, she was really eager to make these pictures special--posing Claire with our yearbooks was one way to do that!
At Matt's suggestion we washed up my baby blanket to see if we could use it in the photo shoot. Little known fact: I still sleep with my baby blanket. Every night. Kind of embarrassing. So we showed Heather and she was excited to try it. That's what Claire is wrapped with in the basket, and also what she's propped up on in the red hat photos. It looks perfect! I have no idea how Heather made it look so cute and sweet. I keep looking at that blanket and these pictures and wondering how it's the same thing!
The red hat photos are some of my favorites! I made the hat from a pattern from etsy only a few weeks before she was born. I didn't really know if I wanted to use it for anything, and it's not necessarily user friendly (especially since it's getting colder--it doesn't cover the head the way some other hats do!) but I thought it was cute.
Heather had quite away with our newborn; she even showed us a neat trick to get her to shut her eyes by stroking her finger down her forehead and nose. I had no idea babies would do that!

Heather had a lot of great ideas and interesting angles. When I saw her taking these pictures I couldn't even imagine what they'd look like. However, this is absolutely adorable! Heather was so kind and nice and patient! Can't say enough. Even when Claire tinkled on the side of a back drop, it wasn't a big deal (she also peed all over my hands... so... I guess you have to be thankful for what you get... could have been HER hands AND her back drop!)
Heather spent around 2 hours with us total and took lots of different pictures and poses. We were really excited to get our teasers yesterday (so timely!) just so we could start sharing and talking her up.

If anyone is considering newborn photography, I highly recommend Heather. Professional. Kind. Patient. Everything you'd want in a photographer when you're inviting her into your home only 6 days after having a baby!

Thank you, Heather, for making these wonderful memories for us!

Some of Baby's Favorite Things... So Far

So Baby Claire hasn't even been here a week, but she already has her favorite things. Some of these were items I very much wanted before she was born... and some happen to be happy accidents as to how well she's taken to them, but trust me--these are life savers!

Moby Wrap
I felt like such a hippy, but I adamantly wanted this wrap as a carrier for myself (Matt felt like it was a little wussy for a guy to wear). I wanted to wear my baby as much as possible. Hands free option was the way for me! My mom always tells the story of how she tried a carrier with me one time and I screamed holy terror and she never used it again. Luckily, Claire wasn't against this from the start--in fact she loved it! We mostly use the cradle hold for snuggling and the newborn hold for our walks, but it holds her nice and secure and I can crochet with her in there and walk all over with her (and she hasn't taken to the stroller nearly as well... and the stroller is such a hassle, this has been a blessing!) We even hit downtown today briefly and (maybe a little too much info but...) I had to go to the bathroom, so I just took her in with me in the wrap and did just fine! She slept the entire walk, but we were very comfortable and happy.
Baby Einstein Crib Soother
I didn't know that I wanted this thing, but at the last minute we thought it was cool and added it to the registry. We had a mobile already (which I figured was the same thing really) and we were going to get the Sleep Sheep (coming up!), but Claire's grandma got this for her anyway. The first time we put it on in the crib Claire got this super goofy expression on her face and just stared--I imagine she would look much the same if you could hypnotize her. We've been using this now for a little Mommy Daddy time--like dinner, or rest, or showers (funny how our Mommy Daddy time has been reduced to these "luxuries"). With the monitor on, we know we have at least 20 glorious minutes of baby-free time (and with the handy dandy remote, if we can catch it in time, we can start it over and extend our time even longer).
Halo Swaddle SleepSack
Another thing some family "frowned" at and wondered if it'd work or not. Claire was actually delivered to me in one of these after her first trip to the nursery. I felt better knowing it was hospital approved! My grandfather (who also bought me the Moby wrap) got this because he'd read up on how important swaddling was. We actually got a second one (in the picture) from Boone Hospital that says "I'm a Boone Baby". We used this early on for breast feeding because Claire really likes to ball up her hands and cover her face (funny, this is why we couldn't get any ultrasound pics at our 35 week check up, too). It was a life saver! We also use it for sleep and to comfort. We are glad we have two, because we've been using the heck out of them. We can actually swaddle with blankets, too, but the swaddle sack keeps her feet in but not wrapped so tight. In the blanket, she often stretches and kicks her legs until they're free (funny... we did a lot of stretching and kicking and toe pointing in the womb, too... it's cute to see her doing things out of the womb that I recognize from when she was on "the inside").

Sleep Sheep
This thing I just thought was too cute. I found it at Barnes and Noble in Columbia and loved it. I've always liked white noise machines or soothing sounds machines (although haven't ever had one of my own). I liked the idea that it was something we could take it places as well as use it around the house. Well, initially we didn't know where to use it, since Baby Einstein was working so well in her crib. We are rooming in for the first month or so, so we put Sleep Sheep in the room with us (and we are ALL enjoying him). But then my good friend Carissa (my personal breast-feeding Nazi, who is going to get some kind of reward in heaven for talking me off a couple of cliffs so far) told us to try this during our feeding time to get relaxed. So now Sleep Sheep travels with Claire and I every night for our feedings. He clips right on the rocking chair, too, so it's nice just hang him up and let him go. I am a little freaked out by the "whale" sound setting, but the rest are nice. We're really liking either "ocean" or "rain" settings. He also has a "heartbeat" setting, but I'm not so keen on it, but she seems to enjoy it (wonder why).
I'm sure we'll find more things that we love and highly recommend. But right now, these have been our LIFESAVERS.
I'm currently working on "perfecting" the "Womanly Art" of breast feeding. I'm going to post on that soon--I've learned so much this last week--craziness! There is so much to learn as a new parent. I'm really proud of Matt and I for taking in everything and tackling every obstacle with grace and composure so far. We are very much in love with our new edition. I can see why people have more than one baby! But right now--we're going to enjoy the heck out of ours!
Claire Approved!

We Have a Baby Claire!

So, this Wednesday (November 3rd) we headed out for our 6 am induction at Boone Hospital in Columbia, Missouri. They checked me and just to confirm the suspicions of my previous post (which since then, I've added Castor Oil to the list), I was still only at 2 cm. We started Pitocin by around 6:30, and I started having contractions. The contractions weren't bad at all, and in fact, were the same pains I'd been having all weekend, so now at least I KNOW I had some contractions on my own. I wasn't allowed breakfast, but I had hourly popsicle or jello allowances. As you can see, early on in labor, although uncomfortable, I was still in a mildly entertaining mood:
The doctor came at noon to check me, and I'd progressed a bit, but she decided to break my water. Not only was that quite possibly one of the most painful moments of labor, but I felt like the world's most giant zit! Silly me, all this time worrying if my water broke when I felt the slightest dampness. They're right. You KNOW when something like that happens! I'd been happily bouncing on a birthing ball until that point, but I couldn't imagine moving after that, since I was leaking everywhere. Well, I didn't get my way and they threw me right back on that ball. GROSS.
So after about 4 more hours of bouncing, my labor took a turn for the worst. I'd been having strong contractions, strong enough to do breathing and a little whimper now and again, but I was fine. I really wanted to do this drug and epidural free. However, then my contractions became irregular. Meaning, I'd have a nice almost 5 minute break, then have 2 or 3 contractions literally right on top of each other (like, NO break), and those would last for around 4-5 minutes of constant pain. I started to panic because I couldn't get calmed down in between those short contractions and the big break wasn't enough to make up for it. As it was going downhill quickly, we made the decision to skip the drugs to take the edge off and go right to the epidural. I was still thinking I had maybe 2-4 hours left of labor and I didn't see me making it that long with that much pain, and still having energy and focus to push. I wept through the epidural (mostly because it was scary and hurt, but also because I was going against exactly what I'd wanted, and I felt I was getting cheated). I only felt that way for a few minutes and I took another blow. I was STILL at 4 cm. So then I was a little happier about that epidural since I still had so far to go.
A few hours later, still at 4 cm, we got the talk about a c-section. Basically, I wasn't dilating any more. There could have been a lot of reasons, but the plain fact was, the baby didn't like the contractions (especially the same ones I didn't like, which hadn't resolved themselves). There was already a c-section for 8 pm, so I was going to wait until 9 pm to have mine, unless I showed some progress (it was after 7 at this point).
When the doctor wanted an update in an hour, I'd made it to 5 cm. I was hoping that was enough progress to keep me out of surgery, but I knew better. However, my contractions had picked up so much that I could literally feel them through the epidural. It was NOT comfortable. It was BEYOND pressure! The doctor wanted another update (I'm imagining so we could just seal the deal on c-section), and at around 9 I'd made it to 9.5 cm! I was ready to push by the time the doctor got there and all my birthing things were assembled. I dilated 5 cm in 30 minutes! When I started pushing I was scared because I thought it was going to be terrible. I couldn't believe what I was doing was good work! I pushed through around 4 contractions and skipped one or two to put a monitor on the baby's head to check her pulse, and then she was out at 9:53 pm!
She had the cord wrapped around her neck twice, so I was really scared, but she came out very pink (or at least, much pinker than we'd been prepared for) and she started squealing right away.
Right away she was pretty observant and looking around, only squealing occasionally. I was trying to focus mostly on her, since some pretty scary things were going on "down there" for me! We all bet on her weight (I lost, I picked my sister's birth weight because I'm ever so hopeful she won't be a short little lady like me). Here's the winning score:
She came into the world weighing 6 lbs, 12 oz, and 20 1/2 inches long (which IS longer than I was, so, maybe she does stand a chance at being a little taller!).
Here is Momma and Baby Claire all done after 16 hours of labor:
At this point I just felt sleepy--my eyes were so heavy! I wasn't sweaty or anything from labor (I don't sweat a lot though anyway, so, take that as you wish).
Baby Claire was taken to finish up her shots and work, and I took a break. We actually couldn't spend the night together because she'd inhaled a lot of fluids and was coughing up a lot and I basically keeled over trying to get my first trip to the bathroom to get cleaned up, so I wasn't in any shape to be jumping to help baby (I was kind of upset about this, but I guess they were right).
So in the morning we were reunited and Matt and I were able to marvel at our little creation. We think she looks a lot like me, but has his nose! She was so peaceful yesterday and slept a lot. We were so excited to show her off. My favorite feature is her eyes! Right now they're blue, and we're hoping they stay, but Matt has brown eyes (with a recessive blue, from his dad) so we do have a shot. But I just love how she opens them and looks around. This is my favorite face from her, thankfully, she looks at me just like this a lot!
Also in this picture she's wearing one of the hats I made (the green hat is from the hospital). She LOVES this hat. She's been wearing it all day today. I've got to find time to make a few more, since some of her hats are a little big, and she likes the flaps over her ears.

We were a little disappointed with the "premiere baby hospital" of central Missouri. Although labor and delivery was great, postpartum was another story. We didn't receive help when we asked, we were constantly referred back to these stupid videos over and over again, instead of having questions answered or demonstrations given from the staff. We DID get a cute Swaddle Me swaddler that says "I'm a Boone Baby", and a hat, and some cookies... but I don't think that quite took the sting out of some of the treatment we received.

Matt was great through the whole ordeal. He was supportive, sweet, and helpful. He let me dig into his hand during the epidural, he cut the cord, and can change a diaper! He has been super attentive to baby Claire--I think he's officially wrapped around her little finger! I'm very glad I could share this experience with him. You know it's love when even the scariest moments aren't so bad because of the person you're sharing them with. Claire is very lucky to have such a good Daddy!

Now we're home, not even 48 hours old! Baby Claire is trying to adjust, and I'm sure we'll have more to report. Right now though, I'm pretty sore and tired, and she's having trouble taking everything in. Of course, right now she's sleeping next to me on the couch, so, that's a good sign, right?

We're just so very excited and blessed. She's so adorable. We are very lucky parents.